Fighting the Flesh #19: Love Your Wife

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband”—Ephesians 5:33

In Geometry, there is the understanding of a “given,” something that is so part and parcel to the problem that to state its function is obvious. The same can be said of the relationship between a husband and a wife. The “given” in a marriage relationship should be love, but it’s not. While that may be the impetus or the feeling that developed during the courtship phase, it is something that must be nourished in the marriage relationship.

In today’s passage, the Apostle Paul writes to married men with the command to “love his wife as himself.” It is strange to our modern ears for Paul to write something so obvious, and it is even more striking when we read the second part of the passage, “let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Why the difference? The man is commanded to love his wife, but the woman is given a different command, to respect her husband. Why? He didn’t command the woman to love her husband, because that is natural to her. But, it is not as natural for her to respect him, something a man needs.

The same is true for men. A man’s natural inclination is to respect his wife, which is why he needs to be reminded to love her. Both commands are given, because both of them reveal the natural desires of our flesh. Men don’t want to love their wives, and women don’t want to respect their husbands. This may seem foreign, even weird to the modern ears, but life affirms it. Boys don’t form gangs because they are looking for love, but respect. I have worked with many inner city teen boys over the years and I would always tell them, “If you respect me, I’ll respect you.” It was a principle that all men understand, the issue of respect. But for women it’s different. While both genders need love, it is even more so for the woman, thus Paul’s command to "love his wife." And how is a man to love his wife? There are two ways according to Scripture. The first is: we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, His bride.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish”—Ephesians 5:25-27

Husbands are called and commanded to love their wives in a profound and sacrificial way. We love her by sacrificing ourselves for her, cleansing her by leading her as we learn from God.

The second way, while not as profound, is more imminently practical. We are to love our wives as we love ourselves—we take care of our bodies by nourishing them and cherishing them. But, even more than that, we are called to love our wives in the same way that Christ loved the church.

The love of a man for his wife is profound, for within the marriage relationship is the "one flesh" concept—portrayed in the sexual union, but also an illustration of a heavenly and spiritual reality—that of Christ and His church. Within the matrix of marriage, created in the Garden, a man and woman come together to form one flesh. In examining the marriage relationship and the mysteries therein, Paul quotes from Genesis and then commented,

“’Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church”—Ephesians 5:31-32.

Marriage is part of the created order. When we join together with our wives in the sexual union in marriage, we become “one flesh.” We are no longer simply individuals in the sight of God, but united together as one in an astonishing and phenomenal way, just as Christ is united with His body and bride, the church, in a mysterious and awesome way.

As husbands, we are to love our wives, which means that we need to be students. We need to know what makes them tick, how they understand and feel loved, as well as cultivating the marriage relationship on an ongoing relationship. Just as a plant needs to continually be watered and set in sunlight, so too must we "water" our marriages and set them in the joy of Christ’s radiating presence. We need to nourish our marriages, because in doing so we are nourishing ourselves and our understanding, appreciation, and admiration of Christ and His relationship with His church, which overflows in glory to God and joy for us. Amen.