Walking with the Wise #289: Tongue & Temper

“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge,


and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.”

—Proverbs 17:27

In 2006, I was on a study trip in Egypt with some graduate students. We had to fly back and forth throughout the country. On one flight, I found myself sitting by a woman who wasn’t a student, but was traveling with our team. Trying to make conversation, I asked her to tell me about herself. She said, “What do you want to know?”

I replied, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

Irked she said, “Yes, I have a sister.”

“That’s nice,” I said. “Tell me about her.”

“What do you want to know?” she huffed.

“I don’t know…umm…does she work…or have a family?” I asked innocently.

Irritated, she retorted, “Can’t she have both?”

I wasn’t intending to make the two sound separate, I was just trying to make conversation and that was the first thought that came into my mind. But she took my words to mean that you can’t have both a family and a job—which was not my intent. Surprised that she had misunderstood me, I tried to explain myself: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. Yes, it’s possible to have both, but I know it's really hard.”

Angered, she said, “Please, just stop talking. I know what you believe.”

I didn’t quite understand what I could have said that would have elicited such a rebuke, so I continued, “I’m sorry. I just was curious about her. I know how hard it is…”

She cut me off, “Please, stop. You are offending me.”

I kept on trying to explain myself so I continued where I was cut off, “I know how hard it is for my wife to stay at home with my daughter and…”
She couldn’t take it any longer, “That’s your wife.”

I stopped. Insulting me was one thing, but insulting my wife was something totally different! I wanted to let loose such a verbal assault on her, but I didn’t. I bit my tongue, settled in my seat,and thought for a moment. I tried to keep calm. I wasn’t trying to engage in an argument about feminism, women in the workplace or the roles of men and women in general. I was simply trying to have a nice pleasant conversation! I know that some mothers must work, outside the home, while others want to work, but I also know that it’s hard to do both. Parenting without having to work outside the home is hard enough, but doing both is exhausting! I know, I saw my single mom do it every day.

Rather than light into her like fireworks on the Fourth of July, I decided to be quiet. I wouldn’t try to engage her any more. She had made assumptions about me, without knowing, listening, or allowing me to explain myself. I wouldn’t be able to change the mind of someone whose mind was closed and already made up about me. I smiled, kept quiet, and said, “I’m sorry, I will leave you alone.” She didn’t want to talk to me, so I obliged.

There are going to be times in life when we have to control what we say. Our flesh will want to respond, but we must be discerning. While there are times when we should respond to fools according to their foolishness (Proverbs 26:5), there are other times when we shouldn’t answer whatsoever (Proverbs 26:4). The best thing is to keep calm, control your temper, and make sure that you don’t say anything you might regret later.

If we are to glorify God with the whole of our person, then we must make sure that we govern our tongues and our temper, and that comes directly by taking up our cross, dying to self and having the life of Christ seen us, as we feed the child of God within us through taking in the spiritual nutrients of the Word of God. Self-control is the by-product of that nourishment, and that is something we'd do well to use to keep us from sin, and pursue righteousness so that God’s glory may be manifestly evidenced through us.

Are you controlling your temper? How about your tongue? If you do so, then you will find yourself to have knowledge and understanding—blessed virtues in the sight of Almighty God. Amen.